Wednesday, December 30, 2009

New Year

I am very excited for 2009 to be OVER. Regardless of what a horrible year 2009 was, some good did come from it:

- My new job at the Newsy Neighbor. I have never in my life enjoyed my job, or working. But then I found this job, and it has just brought complete new meaning to my life. I am PROUD of my job, my work, and what I do. I love my "bosses" (so weird to call them that, especially Aleesha).

- I have made some amazing new friends this year. Namely, Aleesha. It's been a long time since I've had a "best friend" and I am so glad Aleesha is a part of my life now!! Pfft!

- Made up with old friends. A few years ago, some "stuff" went down and I lost a LOT of friends. I didn't (and don't) really care about most of them, but one friend has bothered me since the day it happened: Jen. This year, we went for coffee and put it all behind us. I have my friend back, and I feel SO much better and like 100 lbs has been lifted off my shoulders.

- Ryan and I got SO much closer than I ever thought possible this year. Funny how bad experiences does that to a couple. I love him more today than I ever thought I could. I respect him, love him, and admire him so much. He is my love, and I am so grateful we chose each other to spend the rest of our lives together. It's going to be a great life. I love you, baby!

- Bauer. Every day Bauer makes my day. I just love him.

- My family. Everyone is happy, healthy, and ... well, alive! My brothers have both kind of "grown up" this year to the point I actually enjoy spending time with them (haha). My parents, who I am still ridiculously close with, are doing well, and help us out as much as possible. And now I can add Ryan's family to the "my family" list. Although Butch isn't feeling very good, he is doing better than we thought he would be after this year. Veronica, my niece, is so funny and just a big ball of smiles. Jamie and Roger announced they're pregnant so 2010 will bring a new baby, and Karrie is thisclose to finishing her thesis!

- My book club. It may sound lame, but man alive do I love our book club meetings. Too bad it's only once a month :(

Altogether, when I look at this year, a lot good came from it. A lot of smiles, a lot of fun. I will focus on this .... the bad seems to overpower the good, but when you really reflect on what good DID happen in 2009, I am a very lucky person. And Matthew will always be a part of my heart, love and life. Even if he's not here to share it with me.

Happy New Years to everyone. May 2010 bring MORE happiness and love than all other years.


Friday, December 18, 2009

Christmas is upon us

I normally love Christmas. It really is the most wonderful time of the year. Normally, when I go to malls I see people smiling and helping each other out. I see sales people happy to be busy. I see people opening doors for others, and just being more kind than normal. I normally love buying gifts for people, with the anticipation and image in my head of what their faces will look like when they open their gift. Money? Not a worry. No gift is too expensive for my family and friends.

Last year at this time, I couldn't WAIT until the next Christmas. Today, I found a note I wrote... not to anyone in particular, but a note none the less. It was about how last year was most likely my last year childless. It was such a hopeful letter. Little did I know what 2009 would bring.

I can't say I particularly liked 2009. In fact... it sucked ass. I hated 2009. With a passion. I have one thing to be grateful for in 2009: my job.

I am not anxious for this Christmas. I've purchased all gifts online, and did not put much thought into any of them. I'm even thinking I'll be embarrassed when I give my mother in law her gift. I need to find her something else, that's better, in addition to what I got her. I took more time picking out treats for Bauer at Pet Planet today than I did with gifts this year.

I just simply don't care about Christmas this year.

I also told God we're friends off. I've stopped praying... why would I pray when my one prayer doens't get answered? If He has another plan for me, then it's going to happen that way so why waste His time or mine, for that matter, praying? I still believe, I still love, I still remember Him. I just don't care to speak with him right now. See? Friends off.

One does not have friends because of what they can give you. I am not friends with Aleesha because of what she can give me. I am not friends with God because of what He can give me either. But, when you phone a person every day for a year, and not hear back from them, you start to give up. When a friend gives you a beautiful gift then 2 seconds later takes it back, then turns around and runs away, not to hear from them for another whole year..... you again start to question why you're friends in the first place. That - THAT - is where I'm at with God. I don't question His existence. I question His plan.

We leave tomorrow for "the farm", a week of relaxing and trying to find things to do. I could be doing a million things here at home, and a large part of me wishes we were staying here, but Ryan's parents love having us there and it'll be nice to get away.

I am anxious for a new year. I hated 2009 with all of my heart, and I am believing that 2010 is a new chapter. That from Day 1 things start to change. That 2010 is MY year. The Year of Denise. The Year of Possibilities. The Year of Hope. The Year of Life.

So Merry Christmas to everyone.... I hope you have a wonderful holiday season and a very happy New Year. I hope 2010 kicks 2009's ass.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


So I went to a specialist on Tuesday to figure out what's going on. Because we got pregnant, in the "infertility" world, that means I'm pretty much pushed aside. Regardless of the fact that I lost the baby, they don't look at it like that. Thankfully, my doc was really gentle and kind and is putting me through lots of tests, like:

Day 3 blood work FHS
Day 21 blood work Progesterone
HSG test

My friend Jill told me that the HSG test is one of the most painful tests you will EVER do. You have to take pain meds BEFORE you go in just so that you don't pass out from the pain. They shoot you with this dye and stick a catheter up your yoo hoo to look at everything in your uterus and see what's going on in there. I'm on this baby-mama forum and the ladies were telling me that apparently a LOT of women get pregnant post-HSG test because it really cleans out your uterus/falopian tubes, etc. So.... here's to hoping. That is, of course, if I'm not already pregnant. But since we were NOT trying this month, I can't see that happening.

Furthermore, found out I have pneumonia! I started my antibiotics today (whoops... only a little late...). Apparently I'm borderline pneumonia/bronchitis. But they didn't want to do an x-ray because we've been trying for so long so they are just treating it like pneumonia. Unfortunately, SO much to do with the paper that I can't even relax and get better. After Friday, I'll relax haha.

So, that's about all that's going on in our world.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

So I thought I'd let my readers (all 1 of you! haha) that Ryan and I have officially decided to stop trying to get pregnant. Even reading through my posts, I can see just how depressing they are. I am so obviously depressed that it really can't help our chances of getting pregnant. So... with the fact that if I got pregnant in the next little bit, I would have to miss my brother's wedding, I just realized it would lift so much weight off my shoulders if we stopped. It's tough to say it, but I feel like it'll help my heart and mind.

Furthermore... I am going to start blogging about happy things!! Yay!! hahaha

So happy things.... I'm watching Friends and drinking a bottle of wine to myself as I write this. Saturday night, drinking alone. Is that happy? Or sad...???? hahahaha

Saturday, October 31, 2009

37 Weeks

I should be 37 weeks pregnant today. In 2 weeks today, I should have my baby in my arms. I am fully aware it's extremely unhealthy to think about it like this. I just can't help it. Why is it so easy for 1 person to get pregnant and another just can't seem to get it right? Not again this month. I am out of energy. I can't even fake being positive anymore. I am drained.

Now, if I DO (pfft, whatever) get pregnant in November - January, I actually have to miss my brother's wedding. Nice. Thanks, God. Whatever You're doing up there - it sucks.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


So far, 2009 sucks. It feels like such a shitty year so far. But it's Thanksgiving weekend and I was forced to sit here and actually think about all the amazing things I need to be grateful for. So I thought I would list them here:

- My amazing job. My dream job.
- Ryan. I am constantly amazed that I was blessed with such an amazing man.
- Bauer. Best. Dog. EVER.
- My parents, that they are still around and we hang out as often as we do and that they live so close. I absolutely love it.
- Our lives in general. I have a beautiful home, two vehicles, room for guests... we are extremely blessed.
- My friends. I have made some new friends recently and I feel so blessed... I feel like my old self again! And my old friends, the Fairview girls, who I love so dearly.
- My grandmother, who is still alive and well.

There is so much more. I am grateful that we live in a country where I can be free to say what I feel, that we have a government that never agrees on anything and is always sending us to the polls (haha), I am grateful for Ryan's family - I have so much fun with them, and I love watching my niece Veronica grow up. So despite the fact that this year has brought a lot of heartache and strain, so much more good has happened. I am extremely lucky, and I am even luckier that I get to experience all of these great things with my best friend, and the best husband I ever could have imagined. Thank you, Ryan.

Happy Thanksgiving, all!



Thursday, October 1, 2009

I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but sometimes... thinking positive thoughts just... doesn't work.

It does work sometimes, I will admit. I wrote out on paper exactly the kind of job I wanted. And, you know what? I got it! I have it! I love my job... I absolutely LOVE it. I look forward to getting up everyday and doing work. I look forward to talking to people about my company - because I believe in this company. I absolutely, without a doubt, love it.

But, I also spent ALL of September thinking ONLY positive thoughts about getting pregnant. I spoke "WHEN I get pregnant" rather than "IF I get pregnant." I vocalized every chance I got that I WOULD get pregnant in September. I wrote it on my blog, I said it aloud, I TOLD people. Because I wanted to prove to the universe that I believed I could get pregnant solely by thinking positive thoughts.

Well... it's all a bunch of bullshit.


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R Us kid...

So today I started my new job. It's terrifying in a way. For the first time in my life, I don't have a guaranteed income. I don't have an hourly wage, a salary, a bi-monthly payment. Nope. I have a shot in the dark. I have a faith. I have a ... terrifying job.

I am loving it. Working with people, getting to KNOW people again... not sitting in a lonely office all by myself playing on facebook all day. I have my dog with me (who sits and pouts all day because I'm not playing with him 24/7). I got up this morning at 7am to WORK OUT. Yeah. I know. Who does that?! I went for a 30 minute jog (the first time in 3 months, soo... it wasn't really "30 minutes" .... it was more like 5 minutes running/4 minutes walking/5 minutes running/15 minutes walking. I'll get there again!). Then I came home and did another 30 minutes. By 9am, I was done my workout. I have to remember to set the coffee maker tomorrow.

I am overly excited. I can't wait to see what happens. I can't wait to start meeting more people and really proving to myself that I CAN do a job that I actually love.

Have you ever seen that episode of Friends where Chandler quits his job in Tulsa? He says to everyone (which, incidentally, is actually the 2nd time he said this very same speech... just a little FYI for any of you who are not obsessed with a TV show...) "Who does what they want to do with their lives for real? Who REALLY likes their job?" To which Rachel responds "I can't wait to get back to work," Joey responds with "I love my job!" Monica: "I love cooking!", Phoebe "I love it!", and Ross "I don't know what I'd do without dinosaurs."

Point being, when I saw this episode, and after laughing at Ross, I told Ryan that I am like Chandler. I have NO idea what I want to do with my life. If I'm in my late 30s, still being someone's assistant.... I just might have to kill myself. I remember having so many plans of what I wanted to be when I "grew up." I wanted to be a teacher (too many years in school), a nurse (blood? ew.), a dancer (with 2 left feet), a singer (with absolutely zero skill), a radio personality (didn't get into the class), a tv reporter (not enough confidence)... I wanted to be SO many things and always made up excuse after excuse why I couldn't do it. Then, my friend Christa told me she was going into Business Administration at SAIT, so I went in as well, HATED it (but got amazing grades!) and STILL didn't do what I took at school - Marketing. I fell back to taking the "easy route" like I always do... administration. Working for someone else. Doing menial jobs that someone else is too damn lazy to do themselves. Answering the phone and being the #1 person customers dealt with, but being paid the least and having the least amount of respect shown to you.

Now.... NOW.... I feel like I can answer like Rachel and Monica... I LOVE what I'm doing! I can't wait for tomorrow, to call more clients and get them to advertise. And not because I get commission - but because I TRULY believe they will benefit from advertising with the Newsy Neighbor. I believe in the focus the magazine has. I believe in the heart behind it.

And I honestly, truly can't wait to tell people where I work!!

So now I have the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect vehicles, the perfect husband, the perfect dog, the perfect life..... all I'm missing now.... the perfect baby.

Where are you????

Friday, September 4, 2009


I am putting this out into the Universe. I am telling this to God. I am announcing this:


God, Universe and all others: listen to me!!!!!!

And if not... I'll just go and steal a baby :)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

no title

I'm feeling beaten today. The Universe has beaten me. I surrender. The white flag is drawn. My gun is down. My hands are in the air. I have cried "Uncle!"

With all the good that has been happening in my life as of late... the ability to quit my old job, and this amazing, exciting and PERFECT new job has fallen into my lap, I thought "things are finally starting to look up for me!" I thought for a brief second how wonderful everything is working out, like it is "meant to be!" that all it's missing is a child and that with all of my stresses gone, that dream would happen. I started yoga, I am taking an all-natural spray to "relax" and not stress. I even began acupuncture!!! (I saw a Sex and the City episode where Charlotte - who is basically a character based entirely on me - got acupuncture to get pregnant and she did. Unfortunately, she miscarried not a few weeks later, but still. It worked.) I have been doing EVERYTHING I have not tried in the past year and a half.

Then today, the cramps started. As did "other" things.

So what the fuck?!?! What else do I have to do?! Do I have to put on a Catholic high school uniform and get wasted? Do I have to start doing drugs? Do I have to sell the house, the vehicle, quit the perfect post-baby job?? Do I have to say to the Universe "I DON'T EVEN WANT KIDS!"


Because I'll do it! I swear! I'll do anything!!

I don't think there are many things I haven't done!!

So if anyone - ANYONE - has any more suggestions, please let me know. I'll try it. I will fall on my knees and pray to Allah if I have to. I will ask the gods to send my mini-me's to fertilize my uterus. I will dance naked in a lightning storm if I have to!!!

God Almighty, PLEASE. PLEASE!!! Give me a break!!! I am begging you. In the world of Blogs and Internet, I am openly BEGGING God. I am BEGGING the universe. Whatever works. I am BEGGING.

Friday, August 28, 2009


I spoke too soon. No longer moving or selling our house. Last night, I prayed long and hard that things would get figured out. And today - the whole world just fell into place. BUSY day as all hell, but it was wonderful. I will say more soon. Thank the good Lord!!!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

New Venture

Well, it's been a long time since I've written anything about my life. Why?? Because it's so damn boring!

I have thoroughly enjoyed the last couple of months. My boss cut back my hours so I started working from home... something I hated the idea of at the beginning but oh. my. goodness. do I ever LOVE it. Unfortunately, starting Monday he wants me back full time... at an office in Airdrie... so that brings me to what's going on in our world.

I took a second job at the Newsy Neighbor in Strathmore. I am in charge of getting advertising, solely via commission. It is the first job I've ever done that I love. I mean, LOVE. And I'm GOOD at it! I wake up and am excited to find new companies to contact - because I truly believe their business will benefit from our newspaper!

Unfortunately, I don't get paid enough to do it full-time and ONLY. If I don't sell enough, we can't meet our mortgage payments. I'm stuck at a "moo point" (haha): if I stay at my current job working full-time at the office, I don't have enough time to really put a lot of thought and energy into the Newsy Neighbor. However, if I quit my job, I don't have enough money for my mortgage but I would have so much time to get ads (remember: it's something I LOVE doing!)

So...... the best option.... is to put our house up for sale. My beautiful, perfect, first home. My huge backyard. My pride and joy. My beautiful green walls. My huge master bathroom with marble countertop. My newly-finished basement. My first home with my husband.

We're looking to buying in Chestermere so that it's a 10-minute commute for Ryan. Hello, can you say "saving 500$/month on gas?!" And TIME. And energy! We can wake up at 7am everyday instead of 6! Ryan has 10 minute commute instead of 35-40! And I can devote ALL my time to the Newsy Neighbor. I can stay home with Bauer, I can do this job if we ever flippan get pregnant (seriously... WTF?! How am I STILL not pregnant?!) I can do this job from home and never have to go onto maternity leave.

So tomorrow, we're meeting with someone to put our home up for sale. *SNIFF* It is going to be a sad day to sell that house. Very sad, indeed.

Anyways, on a happier note last week I drove the 9 hours north to Fairview for my 10-year high school reunion. Some people haven't changed at all, but some have changed so much. I had SUCH a great time, chatting with everyone and catching up. Funny how after 10 years because of Facebook you pretty much know everyone's bizznezz. But we had such a great time, and I honestly can't wait until my 25th reunion! I think I had a total of 9 hours of sleep that entire weekend and I ate very little since because it's northern Alberta, no one doesn't eat meat. I had a lot of pasta and some fake meat chili dog. Not good, BTW haha.

But I had an awesome time, and it really makes me grateful for where I am in life.

Hmm... what else... I'm a bridesmaid on my due date and I'm gonna look like a fat cow in my bridesmaid dress! Can't wait for that! Hahaha! (I'm laughing, but seriously, I cry every time I look at the photo. I am not going to be a jerk of a bridesmaid and make a big deal about it but seriously... this dress looks good on supermodels, not people with curves).

That's my life. Read at your will. TTFN!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Sunday, July 26, 2009

In Memory

I decided that I had to do something.... or GET something in memory of Matthew. His memory has only been in my head.... I had nothing to show for his extremely short life and it felt like everyone has already forgotten about him except me. Not that I blame people... no one met him. But he meant so much to me!

So I bought the following.... it is my memory of my sweet baby boy who I never got to meet. And every time I look at this angel, I will remember Matthew as a "gift from God." Which is what he really, truly was.

"Hope" is so meaningful to me... I "hope" to meet Matthew one day, I "hope" that God will one day bless me with a child, I "hope" that Matthew's short life has meaning to it, I "hope" that his loss is not in vain. I have a lot of "hope" in my life.



Wednesday, July 15, 2009


So... it's been 3 months since I miscarried and it's been a tough 3 months (in case you couldn't tell in my postings... haha). At the time, you know you're sad and depressed but it just becomes the norm for you. Looking back, it was like there was a black cloud hanging over my head for 3 months. The black cloud has began to dissipate, but I know it's still partially there.

My friend Tiffany lent me this book called "Mourning the Child I Never Knew." The author discusses how she mourned all 3 children: 2 miscarriages in early pregnancy, and 1 she carried to birth, who passed away shortly thereafter. She speaks of all 3 pregnancies like they are all her children, and it has really helped confirm what I feel: that my pregnancy was real and I lost a child. Some women may not look at it that way, and that's fine. I do, and it's nice to find out that I'm not actually crazy, haha. What I've been reading in this book is that everything I have been feeling (even though I've felt completely alone and the only person in the world who feels this way) is normal and that other women feel that way also. What a relief!! I read this one paragraph about how the author felt like no one understood her pain, no one knew what to say, people thought it was no big deal what happened - it's not a REAL human until it takes its first breath - so people basically assume that it's time to get over it.

Anyways... it has felt SO GOOD to read that someone else in the world understands what I'm going through. Another friend forwarded me to a website in Calgary for women who have lost children or have miscarried: I have found that this website has helped a lot also. I think I am going to go to a meeting in September.

So this month, I decided to make some changes. I am sick of being depressed and sad and feeling sorry for myself that this happened to ME. I know God loves me and has a plan for me. There has to be something good that comes from this. There has to be: it says so in the bible.

So I created a bookclub in Strathmore. I am going to get back into the world. Since Ryan and I started trying to get pregnant over a year ago, I haven't taken any time to meet people in Strathmore. I kept thinking I'd get pregnant right away and meet other pregnant women in Strathmore and it'd be so easy! Well... that didn't happen and I turned around last week to realize... I have no friends!!! None! And I don't invite my close girlfriends out to Fairview because I think it'll put Ryan out! BTW... he'd be fine. He'll survive, haha.

I hope this book club pans out and I meet lots of women in Strathmore. So far we're at 14!! And it's only been like 3 days since I started it! And I'm going to join a Life Group at my church - meet some women at my church. And now that I'm working from home 4 days/week, I'm going to drive into the city more often and see people. I can't do it ALL the time (hello, gas prices!), but I should do it more often.

No more me being a hermit!! I am going to work out more - get back the body I had a year ago (umm... I kinda let myself go there for a bit thinking "ahh, I'll get pregnant right away so who cares?). I am going to call family more often. I am going to see more people. I am going to go out for dinner more often. I am going to wear more makeup - make myself feel beautiful. I am going to try not stressing about things. I am going to take Bauer for more walks. I am going to smile more. I am going to cry less. I am going to watch less tv, and read more books. I am going to work in my garden and make it something to be proud of. I am going to plant a lilac bush. And.... I am going to pray everyday that God teaches me to be happy with my life, even though it's not working out the way I'd like. And... if someday I become pregnant... I will be grateful but also know that a child is a gift from God - and I will love it more than I can imagine.


Sunday, July 5, 2009

get over it

I've found lately that when people ask me how I'm doing with regards to the miscarriage, and I answer honestly, I get a lot of the same responses: "Oh", "Yeah...", and my favourite "It'll happen when it's meant to." What I sense from most responses is the unsaid response: "Aren't you over it yet??"

Should I be "over it"?? I mean, I never even got to find out the sex of the baby... Apparently, according to one very unsympathetic person, women can have abortions when they're even farther along than I was. So why am I still mourning a child that really, again - according to some people - shouldn't be mourned??

I don't have an answer for them... I am still sad. I still get tears in my eyes when I see women who are pregnant. I should have been 21 weeks yesterday. Or when I see babies... I still have not been able to bring myself to hold or even be near a baby. I feel jilted, and a prisoner in my own mind. And what makes it worse, is when people tell me to get over it - because apparently I should be by now.

But the sermon at church this week was about Hope, and last week was about giving God all of your worries. So on my walk with Bauer, I said aloud to God that I am giving Him my saddness regarding Matthew. I am giving Him my fears that I will never bear a child to term. I gave Him my fears that this hole in my heart will never be mended. I gave it all to Him. And I pray... oh God, I pray... that He takes my gifts to Him and uses them. I pray He helps me. I pray He answers my biggest hearts desires. I pray, I pray, I pray.

Monday, June 29, 2009


I've always wondered how God works.... people tell you all the time how they perceive God's work or how God speaks to them. For instance - you lose your keys. You pray "God, help me find my keys." You turn around and there they are. So, you thank God for helping you find your keys. That never really sit well with me... I never believed God is up in Heaven just waiting to help us with every menial thing. But how am I supposed to know how He works??

It also always bothered me when people would sit on their asses and wait for God to give them "a sign." Should I leave my lover? Should I quit my job? Will I ever fall in love? We sit on the couch in our living room and complain to God that we're single or we hate where we are in life. It's like that person believes "if I sit here and have faith, God will answer my prayer." But He won't... He doesn't drop things into our laps. We have to actually go out and do things.

I'm reading this book "The Shack" and for the first time ever, I actually relate to the character Mack in the story. The way he talks to God, and the way Papa, Sarayu and Jesus all speak with him and explain how They work... it's the first time I feel like screaming "THANK YOU!" I finally feel like someone has written into words how I have always felt God works. God CAN make a horrible thing not happen, but it is not how He chooses to work: instead, God takes a situation - any situation - good or bad - and brings out positives in that circumstance. You learn from everything. God took this horrible circumstance that Mack had to live through, and made so many positives. It is not a book for everyone, but somehow I truly felt this book spoke to me. Like God was up there saying to ME "here is how I work with YOU. Maybe not how I speak with everyone, but this is how it is with YOU. Here is some clarity in your life. Everything is going to be ok."

I know some people see God as something that is untouchable... something you have to say the perfect words of "Dear Lord" with hands raised and only praises coming out of your lips - praises found only in the bible, which you repeat word for word. I've never felt that. I specifically remember sitting in my old Honda Civic ("Cheyenne" haha) and screaming at the top of my lungs and hitting my steering wheel, angry with God that my life wasn't working out as I had planned. And then even angrier that He did nothing about it. He let me scream, He let me be angry. It was my lowest point in my life... it was rock bottom... at that time I lost my boyfriend, pretty much every single friend I had, my church, my life. And I was pissed about it - and I let God know. But God didn't MAKE these things happen... he didn't TELL my friends to abandon me, or my boyfriend to treat me that way, or for any of those horrible things to happen to me. But He DID take the situation and make it so, so good. I can see that now.

God also didn't take my baby away as a way to "get back at me" for being a sinner. It's not His fault I miscarried. He could have prevented it, but He has His reasons for not. Who am I to question God? But... even though I can't see it right now... and I may not see it for months, or years or ... ever ... but God is taking that situation and bringing out the Good in it.

I feel comfort in knowing that.

Sunday, June 28, 2009


Ryan and I have one niece - Veronica. She's going to be 3 this September, and I just can't get enough of this kid. She's ridiculously hilarious, spoiled, bossy, sweet, generous, and has such a strong head on her shoulders. I take pride in that kid.

Anyways, I just wanted to brag a little about my sweet Veronica Lee. She's pretty damn cute.


Friday, June 26, 2009

I Left My Heart in San Francisco

San Francisco... what a great city! I had such a great birthday weekend and it's all because of Ryan and the beautiful city that is San Francisco.

On Friday, we were up bright and early and headed to the airport... but not before Ryan ran a red light haha. (It was a turning light but Ryan drove straight on through... 5:45am is too early for us apparently!). We got to the airport a little earlier than necessary, but better early than never! So we got to SF and somehow figured out the Bart quite easily. It took us literally to our hotel's front door. We stayed at the Park 55... I somewhat recommend it... it was high-end and beautiful but there was a nice big... ahem... white stain... on the blanket on the bed and when the ladies came back at 2am in the connecting room to ours it was like they were laughing in our own room. It was soooo loud! But other than that, it was a great hotel. Perfect location right in Union Square.

So Friday we spent at Union Square. It was my birthday so we went to a nice restaurant for dinner (we saw a commercial for the restaurant - ANZU - that had a great vegetarian meal for me!). Then after we went to the Cheesecake Factory for birthday cake - however, there was a 1.3 hr wait so we just took 2 pieces to go! Which was perfect - cheesecake in bed while watching a movie. Perfection! It was a great birthday.

Then Saturday we were up bright and early to catch our boat tour on the Red & White Fleet that went under the Golden Gate Bridge and around Alcatraz. What a great thing to witness! The Golden Gate Bridge is beautiful and it was just so nice being out on the ocean watching the sealions and dolphins and smelling the amazing sea air. I always thought I was an ocean person. I was born to live near water. Unfortunately, Alberta doesn't have any. Maybe one day I'll live closer to water!

So we got back at about noon and walked around Fisherman's Wharf for a couple of hours then took the F Train back to our hotel (only $1.50/person/direction! What a deal!) to get ready for the ball game. Go Giants! We even won. It went to 13 innings which I wasn't too impressed with since it was SOOOO COLD!! I mean... you have no idea how cold it was. My feet had icicles. SO COLD! But I loved the baseball game and the atmosphere and how fun and exciting it all way. And being terrified the ball was going to hit me straight in the mouth. Haha!

So Sunday morning we got up early again and headed back to Fisherman's Wharf (F Train!) and went to Alcatraz. Ryan was pretty pumped to go there, but I didn't really care one way or another - I'm not big on history. Anyways, I highly recommend everyone to go there. The things you learn, the things you see. The history that is in that place.... Al Capone, The Bird Man... all these horrible men living in these walls so many years ago. We were there for a few hours, and ended up leaving because we were pretty hungry. I should open up a hot dog stand there - I'd make a killing!!

So then after we walked around Fishermans' Wharf some more - I mean, we walked EVERYWHERE. We were even walking closeish to the GGB, but it seemed like such a long way that we turned back and went back haha. We're wimps, eh?? We walked up to the Crookedest Street and then to Ghiardeli's. It was a pretty great day. We stopped and had a beer at a little cafe that had a live singer. He sounded so great, he even made U2's "One" sound better than the original, which I didn't think was possible!!

Sunday night we went to an Italian restaurant called Puccini & Pinetti's. It was seriously the best meal I've ever had in my life. Just thinking about it is making my stomach growl. I highly recommend it. That was our night!

Then finally on Monday: we just hung around Union Square waiting for 2pm before we could leave for the airport. It was a great day; breakfast at Lori's Diner and a "quick trip" to Forever 21. Honestly, it was the best end of a great trip - a relaxing day walking around Union Square.

Anyways, a great trip!! Photos on Facebook!!!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Robins are satan's spawn

Soo... these robins built 2 nests under our deck. So in the one nest, 4 baby birdies hatched. This caused mama bird to decide to attack us. And Bauer - poor, poor Bauer. He was attacked the worst!

So I decided to take a photo of the birdies. The flash went off and one of the birdies flew out of the nest. So then, I tried to put him back into the nest (as per the advice from google... very, very poor advice, by the way). I picked the birdie up carefully, Ryan protected me with a plastic patio table, and as I got closer to the nest and put the birdie in it, all 3 of the other stupid birdies flew out of the nest! So now I have 4 baby birdies hopping around my back yard with 2 mama birdies attacking my head.

So Ryan and I screamed and ran into the house.

This was all on Wednesday.

Today, Friday, all the baby birdies were gone. THANK GOODNESS. I got to mow the lawn, Bauer got to go to the bathroom for the first time in 5 days, and we are back to normal.

So note to everyone: if you find a birds nest in your back yard, get rid of it before any eggs get laid in it!!!! Take my advice!!


Monday, June 8, 2009

Lost Ones

On Friday, the world lost a very amazing woman after an extremely long and courageous battle with cancer on Friday. I remember finding out Mrs. Hatch had cancer when I still lived in Fairview... my, that was a LONG time ago. She always amazed me and encouraged me though her fight - she always - always - stayed positive and kept her faith in God. She fought quite the battle, and I will forever believe that cancer lost the battle, as she spent those 9 years showing not only me but others who were lucky enough to cross her path the true meaning behind tenderness, caring, compassion, love and faith.

Sitting here, I'm forced to remember my favourite memories about Mrs. Hatch. I grew up with her daughter, Koralee, since elementary school. And somehow, we always ended up at the Hatch house. Perhaps it was because Koralee's house provided us with a sense of freedom, yet all the while we were extremely well taken care of. Or, perhaps it was because Mrs. Hatch always served us the best food.

My favourite memory is at Koralee's birthday party. I think we were all ~15. We were all around the kitchen table, some sitting, some standing. We filled our plates, and everyone waited until everyone's plates were full before we dug in. The room was silent as people were quietly filling their plates with food and awaiting the green light to eat. Tanya and I were sitting across the table from each other and we gave each other the "screw them!" look and shoved lasagna into our mouths like we haven't ever eaten before. I mean, why are these people not eating?? Mrs. Hatch waited until our mouths were completely full before she broke the silence with "Dear Lord..." and began Grace. You would think Mrs. Hatch would have stopped Grace long enough for us to swallow our food before we choked because we were giggling so hard, but she kept her eyes closed, her composure strong, and she prayed the longest damn prayer I've ever sat through. Tanya and I had tears streaming down our faces as we tried to stay quiet with lasagna spilling out of our mouths. But Grace was said, it finally ended, and Mrs. Hatch leaned over to me and Tanya, smiled at us and said "NOW you can eat."

Mrs. Hatch has always opened her home, her table, her heart and her family to each and every person who came their way. I have always felt safe and welcomed at the Hatch house and I will never forget the woman who helped raise us into the people we are today.

Mrs. Hatch, I will always remember you fondly and thank you so much for everything you've taught me. The world lost an extremely amazing woman, someone who, if only more people would be like, would change the world.

I am so sad I won't be able to make the funeral... words really cannot express my sadness.... but I will think of you this week and forever. Keep watch over Koralee, Riley and Ron. And please, keep playing the piano in Heaven.

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on

Alan Jackson - Sissy's Song (Official Music Video) - For more of the funniest videos, click here

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

New Insight

I met up with a friend, Tiffany Matson, on Tuesday for dinner. I am not going to divulge everything we discussed, but it was such an insightful discussion. I realized while sitting there just how bitter I truly am at God/the world since losing Matthew. I really became aware that I am holding onto the "it's not fair" attitude, when really... how am I to say what is and what is not fair??

Sitting there with Tiffany, I had to face a reality I had no idea existed. Now, I'm going to say this knowing full well she'll probably read this blog but that is not why I'm writing this - I am writing this as a reminder to myself. In 10 years from now when I want to remember who I was when I was 27, I will come back and read this and smile at the wisdom this friend - a girl wise beyond her years - bestowed upon me.

I cannot blame God or the world or anyone for Matthew's passing. It can't not seem fair to me... it's not my place to make that decision. Matthew's passing was between Matthew and God. In the short period of time I got to spend with Matthew, even without ever meeting him, he fulfilled his destiny. God didn't make a mistake, making him an incomplete human that would never or could never take its first breath. God created Matthew the way He did for a very specific purpose. I may never know what the purpose is... and I know it's going to be the first question I ask God when I get to Heaven, and I fear His answer will be "that's between me and Matthew." It has nothing to do with me... it wasn't a punishment, it wasn't a cruel joke... it was what God had to do. And as a follower of Jesus, all I can do is accept that, try to learn from it, and trust that God does have a plan for me - and that that plan does include a child as it is my heart's greatest desire.

Tiffany, you don't have to respond to this blog but just know: that chat on Tuesday really helped get me out of the depressed funk I was in. I am still sad, I will still mourn the loss of my child, but I now see a rainbow at the end of this storm. So thank you.

Sunday, May 17, 2009


I had a revelation in the shower last night..... and now that I can think of it and not cry, I thought I'd post about it.

I went to the farm this weekend. Ryan is staying there for the whole week to help out seeding, and he's coming back next Sunday. A whole week without my baby. Yet, last night, at 5pm, while he was still out on the tractor seeding, I left to come home. It was somewhat the plan... I could have waited until Sunday morning, but I had "so much stuff to do at home." (which is true, by the way... but none of it is so pressing that I can't even say goodbye to my husband.)

I called him, waved at him from the road, and said my goodbye that way, but... it's not a hug or a kiss or an in-person "I love you and I will miss you this week."

I just couldn't wait to leave!


I just could not wait to be alone. I have not been alone for years. I mean, really alone. There's always been someone or something there. My parents live a block away from us so I have to see them, last week while Ryan was gone part of the week Karrie was here... I'm never alone.

Which brings me to Part 1 of my revelation... I am really, truly depressed. Since losing Matthew, I haven't gone one day without crying. I am sad, lonely, angry... I am a mother without a child. And I am moving deeper and deeper into this depression. I pretend to be fine, because the second I start showing I'm depressed, people start getting all psychological on me and who needs that??

Since deciding to become vegetarian, I have been ridiculed from every direction. I don't blame people... eating meat has become such a norm in our society. Being a vegetarian is so "out there." And to reiterate, I am not against eating meat: what I'm against is HOW they kill the animals. It's inhumane and I don't like it.

Which brings me to Part 2 of my revelation...

I have been feeling lately like I have no control over anything in my life. Nothing at all. On Friday my boss told me he might have to change my schedule so much that I am really working less than part time; I have no control over my job. Ryan's parents keep telling us that they want us to take over the farm, then 2 minutes later they change their mind; I have no control over our future - where we'll live, what we'll do. I can't control what people do to these animals to slaughter them. I work my ass off everyday working out, and I haven't seen a slight difference; I have no control over how my body reacts to exercise. I have no control over getting pregnant - and that's the one thing I thought I had control over. I want a baby so bad... I feel so lost without one... yet I have zero control over whether or not that happens.

So while I'm being ridiculed for wanting to be vegetarian... the fact of the matter is... it's the only thing in my life I can control. I actually can control what I put into my mouth. No one can force me to eat anything I don't want to eat. So while this may be a drastic measure on my part in my desire to help animals... it's the only thing I can do in my means: financially and physically.

I know I'll be ok... I'll get over the loss of my baby and learn to deal with it and take the next step. But until then... all I can do is keep living.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

My New Challenge

I watched a horrible video last week, called "Earthlings" that was narrated by Joaquin Phoenix, about how humans treat animals - and the video is limited to those in the USA. I was appalled, and I cried through most of the video. The definition of Earthlings is "an inhabitant of Earth." Meaning, all creatures are earthlings. Cats, dogs, humans, cows, chickens... they all inhabit Earth.

Since watching that video, I have not looked at anything the same way. I see a cow in a pasture and think, "poor, poor cow." I look at my puppy Bauer and just think, how can someone purposely hurt a dog?! I mean, how can you?! Beating it, not feeding it, doing research on it, inhumanely killing it... I don't understand how humans think because we're bigger and smarter, we have the "right" to physically harm another. And that goes for other humans as well as animals.

Ellen DeGeneres is a huge animal rights activist, and she helps financially as well as in her daily life - she adopts animals that were abused, and she has become a vegan. Now, I do not have the financial capacity that Ellen does, and I can't start bringing in so many dog and cats until we have the capacity for it - for instance, if Ryan and I move to an acreage, I might be able to bring more dogs into our lives. But until then, we just physically and financially cannot.

So I have to start small, and in our means.

Step 1: become a vegetarian. I considered veganism, but I don't think I can do that. A "vegan" is a vegetarian who omits all animal products from the diet. That means eggs, fish, milk products, etc. I already drink soy milk, but cheese, eggs and yogurt would be pretty hard to keep out of my diet. So... I'm starting off with vegetarianism.


I'm nervous, and anxious. I am excited to be doing my part in this world. I am nervous to tell people... Ryan's family are meat producers, and both families are meat eaters. This is going to inconvenience people. I'll have to buy veggie burgers and keep boxes at each place so I have something to eat!

So my blog is no longer going to focus on my depression and sadness. I might still talk about it... I mourn Matthew everyday and I still cry almost daily. But all I can do is move forward and make changes in my life to make myself and my body better and healthier for the next child I am blessed with. And have faith in God that He really does have a plan, even if I don't understand at all what it is.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mother's Day

What a weekend!! Friday night Ryan and I went to the farm (his parent's place) for the weekend. Due to the rain, we knew Ryan wouldn't be helping out much with seeding or cultivating, but we had lots of other things to do around the farm so we went ready and willing to help. Today, Monday, I'm beyond sore!

Saturday we cleaned out both of the garages - the house garage and the farm truck garage. Of course, beers were had during breaks, but it was a LOT of work. And the darn rain wouldn't let up! Then Sunday we started a waterfall/moat in the front yard and apparently I wanted to prove to everyone how strong I really am and I moved all of these huge rocks. I think I was partially brain damaged because it's really not something I would normally do, haha. The waterfall looks beautiful and once I get a photo, I will post it. I absolutely love it.

That was our mother's day gift to Ryan's mom: helping out around the farm.

Saturday was supposed to be my 3-months... I was supposed to be entering my 2nd trimester. I thought of it all day. It's weird... a miscarriage is viewed as such a menial thing... something that shouldn't be worried about and something that should be gotten over quite quickly. I'm lucky that no one in my social circle has made me feel that way, but I've read articles and notes about it. Sometimes I'm embarrassed about how sad I am (still) about the situation... I still think of it every time I laugh, as if I feel guilty for laughing or having a good time. My whole life is being kept on hold for something I have no control over. I am a mother without a child. I do not feel complete, whole. I felt complete, I felt whole for just a few short weeks and it was the best feeling I've ever felt. I felt like my life mission was discovered: I was meant to have children. Then, it was taken away. I feel like I'm walking around blindfolded, searching for my niche in this world. I no longer feel whole. I feel lost, angry, sad, broken. And terrified of the future.

I keep praying for strength. I feel like all I need right now is to turn over and see Jesus, and that he gives me a big hug. I need a hug from Him, for Him to tell me it's all going to be ok and that all of my life's desires are going to come to be. But that's not how He works. Which, to be frank, sucks.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mother's out there. You truly are blessed, and I never realized how blessed you are before what I have gone through. I hope you all had a wonderful, beautiful day.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Girls Are Stupid

I have started a new blog almost every day since my last one, only to discard it before I post. I am not sure why... so much going on in my head! I am doing fine, and I want people to know that. But, at the same time, I am still so, so sad... and I think people are starting to give me the "ok, get over it now" attitude so admitting that I'm still really sad almost causes me more grief because of that.

I don't even think it's sadness... I think it's turned into full-fledged "this isn't fair", jealousy, anger, and a lot of feeling sorry for myself.

I just don't know if this is healthy??

I have been emailing back and for a friend, who never really was a "friend" before this whole incident. She was an aquaintance, someone I have known for years but have never hung out with. She suffered a loss as well, something much more tangible than mine, and seeing her strength through everything has really made me open my eyes and realize it's not the end of the world. She has become a rock for me, even though we never see each other. I am a firm believer God brings people in and out of your life when He sees fit, and He definitely did that with this girl I believe is my angel right now.

My favourite answer right now: "you're young! You can try again!" Umm... HELLO!!! It is absolutely THE worst answer anyone can give. Yeah, I know I'm young. And I am well aware I can try again - thanks for the heads up! But ... let's put aside the fact that I am scared shitless of trying again, and I am scared even more shittilessly that this could happen again! Those words only bring me a big fear-packed punch in the face.

On the bright side, I can work out again and have realized upon putting on my jeans that I really took advantage of the first 2.3 months of pregnancy. And, I also learned, that next time around (should it happen...) I am going to be MUCH more careful. I couldn't work out those first 9 weeks because of what would happen when I did, so now I have to deal with losing all of that weight. Before I got pregnant, I remember saying I couldn't wait to get pregnant so I could eat whatever I wanted! Now that I'm paying for that (even if it was only 9 weeks...) I realized my metabolism is so messed up and I hate the way my body is right now. So, summer project: LOSE WEIGHT.

Not to mention, last week Ryan and I were pumped we had no weddings to attend the next year. Today, I have 4! I am in 2 of them, 1 is in San Francisco, and 1 is in Nova Scotia. So... more fans cheering me from the stands to lose weight.

So officially I am going to (TRY! TRY! TRY!) to put all those horrible baby thoughts into something MUCH more constructive: LOSING WEIGHT. Get back to the body I had in Scotland. Ahh... I looked so good in Scotland. Of course, at that time, I thought I was a whale. Girls are stupid.

Monday, April 20, 2009

New Favourite Quote

An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for Earth."


Silver Lining

I thought I would write about how things have been going this past week. It was probably the toughest week of my life. I haven't forgotten how to smile or laugh, but I found myself feeling guilty at each giggle. Why am I laughing? My baby is gone, and I am back at square one. I never got to meet him, I never got to hold him. I feel jipped. Sometimes, I feel like this was some cruel joke God played on me. I feel like Job - God let the devil take everything away from him. I know the reasoning behind it, that God knew Job's faith and devotion to Him. Still... it's still a cruel game.

But I am seeing some silver lining, if you can call it that. I have never thought I could feel closer to Ryan. I thought, this was love, this is how it is. And it was great before this! We laughed all the time, we loved each other, we respected each other.

But this whole situation has brought up a whole new meaning to our relationship. I feel SO much closer to him, in a way I never knew was possible. I think catastrophic situations can do one of two things to a couple: bring them closer, or tear them apart. I am thankful that this situation, as horrible as it was, brought us so much closer. There is a new respect there, a new love. I don't love Ryan anymore like I used to. It's different now. It's more powerful.

We are trucking through this situation. We will try again for another child... I am terrified beyond belief. I know I can't do that again. I can't go through something that emotionally draining. I have cried every day for baby Matthew this past week; sometimes multiple times. Sometimes it's a cry of sadness, of yearning for him to be back inside of me. Sometimes it's anger, why did this happen? Sometimes it's frustration... that this isn't fair. It seems like everyone is pregnant or has a baby - some people don't even want them. And I want it more than anything in the world, yet I can't.

My faith is still there... I trust God. But I know that His will happens. And it's not always my will. So even though I trust him, I also trust that sometimes He does things in a way I won't like. So I have officially learned what it means to "fear God." Because I do... I am fearful that He will let this happen again.

Is that stupid?

*sigh* I don't know. All I know is, is that I can't live my life in fear. I can't not do something because I'm scared. Sure, I can not go to Afghanistan because I'm terrified of camel spiders (among other things....) but I can't stop living my life because something bad COULD happen. What kind of life would that be?

I repeat this to myself everyday: "One day at a time."
That, and "Breathe. Just Breathe."
And each day, each breath, and each smile, I'll get through this.

Monday, April 13, 2009


Well... something bad in the world must be going on because it seems that God needed you more than I do. He made you an angel on Saturday morning and you went up to help Him out on whatever challenge He faced. And I bet you did a great job. Or are doing a great job.

Still.... I miss you.

I was going to write about my experience losing you... but I really don't want to remember it. Instead, I want to remember that feeling I had when I found out I was pregnant with you. I was only 9 weeks (to the day!) pregnant with you when you passed away and it was the best 9 weeks of my life. You made me want to be a better person everyday. And everyday, I got closer and closer to meeting you and I couldn't wait! I wanted to dress you in blue, or pink, and show you off to the world. Christmas was going to be so great this year with you around.

But... sometimes God has other plans. I don't understand them, nor should I.

Your daddy and I were talking in the hospital after you passed away and I was feeling a little better. I needed to name you, even though I didn't know your sex or really anything about you. So... I named you Matthew. Matthew is such a powerful name. The meaning of the name Matthew is Gift Of God. And that's what you were: a gift from God. He had to take you back, but I still feel lucky enough to have gotten to know you for those 9 very short weeks. Also, one of my favourite verses in the bible is Matthew 28:20: “And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” I know He was with me on Saturday.

I know I will see you again. Jeremiah 1:5 says that God knows us while we are still in the womb - which, to me, means you had a soul and that God loved you. So... when I get to heaven, I want to meet you.

Until then, little Matthew, say hello to your great-grandpa for me. Please play with him - he has a lot of energy!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Due Date!

I found out today that you are going to come into this world on November 14th!!! Unfortunately, that is also the day your Auntie Meredith plans on getting married, but I think I have a fairly good excuse for missing the festivities. I'm disappointed I'll miss her special day, but... what better reason to miss it?

When I first found out about you, I had a blood test that said my hcG levels were at 65 - which, according to a few websites, is 3 weeks pregnant. So the one I had yesterday, I was at 17,360 - 8 weeks pregnant. So you are growing quite nicely! The doctor is being very cautious... this pregnancy has not been the easiest yet, and we want to make sure you're growing nicely.

I pray for you everyday. I hope you know throughout your life how wanted you were. Your daddy and I can't wait to meet you! We talk about it everyday, and I think about you all day everyday. I pray for you whenever I think of you - which is like a million times a day - and I'm not exaggerating! I pray that you are growing strong, healthy, and perfect. And I have faith that you will turn out that way! I can't wait to meet you!!

I need a countdown I think... 7 months to go!!! Whewf... it seems to take SOOO long! Thank goodness I'm not an elephant!!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Tough Hour

Well, little one... you caused me quite the scare today!! But so much good came from it.

Today at lunch, I went to the washroom and there was a lot of blood. Your daddy has since found an article stating that at 7 weeks a lot of women experience blood because the placenta matures, which I'd never heard before. But at the time, before learning that, I was in a battle between life and death it felt. I was fighting to keep you alive while something tried to take that away.

So after I saw the blood, I prayed... like hardcore prayer... mostly "you can't do this to me" prayers.... and it kinda hit me...

I was given a book from a friend that says God wants us to have babies - he loves children. So why am I letting things get to me? God wants this to happen! So I started praying that this is NOT going to happen and God has it under control.

Then the bleeding stopped and I haven't bled since!

Little one, I got your daddy to pray for you too today. And I believe his prayer really helped save you today.

Today was frustrating.... when this happened I couldn't get a hold of anyone - my bosses weren't here, my friend Jocelyn wasn't on msn, Ryan wasn't answering the phone... I was stuck with me and God. It's funny how He does that. For like 2 seconds I felt completely alone. Then it was like a lightbulb.

I also had an epiphany today during all of this. When I changed my prayer, that this baby WILL be fine and that God IS in control, I was thinking of my friend Jocelyn telling me to put positive thoughts into the atmosphere.

And I realized... I believe the same things she does, only thing is that I put positive thoughts towards God - not the universe. I don't believe that the universe does things, I believe God does. But when you ask him for a new job and then sit and do nothing, He won't just bring the job to you. You have to be active.

So being positive myself, is being active. and I become positive energy. And it in turn causes me to trust God. And in turn, causes all that positive energy to make things happen. It was a cool feeling. When I changed my prayer to "God, you are in control" I KNEW things would be ok.

So, little one.... YOU'RE OK!!! I love you so much!!! I can't wait to meet you in 33 weeks! Stay strong, keep fighting!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

7 Weeks!

Well, little one, you are doing a great job of holding on!! The cramping has finally subsided, and I have realized the culprit of the pain.... let's just say 15 minutes in the washroom and the cramps were gone! Whoops! Mommy and Daddy are very anxious to meet you and the next 33 weeks are going to go by SOOOO slowly!

Nausea has officially started... not so much throwing up yet, but just the feeling of not feeling very well. I don't want nausea to start so I'm praying it subsides quickly, haha!

Bauer knows something is up but doesn't understand yet what it is... which is fine with us! He's going to have a lot to deal with you come... but he is going to LOVE you!

We are quickly trying to finish our basement before your arrival. We want some place with carpet for you to play on. Hardwood won't be very comfortable for you! Daddy's doing an amazing job finishing the basement! We just have a few more baseboards to finish, a closet in the spare room downstairs, blinds, a little more electrical (we'll pass the permit next time!), and then my favourite: FURNITURE!! It's looking more like a basement now and I can't wait for it to be finished.

33 more weeks!! I can't wait!!

Thursday, March 19, 2009


I have decided to ignore the fears the doctors put into my head and go ahead believing that God has a plan for this little one and it involves being born. I know God loves me and knows my dreams and desires, and He knows I want a baby more than anything. I am believing, little one, that you are perfect and healthy and that God has a plan for you!! I can't wait to meet you!!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Not a Good Day

Today has not been a good day, little one. Last night, before bed, I was not feeling very good. I went to the washroom, and noticed a little blood. I got very scared. Thankfully, I had a doctor's appointment today. My doctor is also concerned, and we are very fearful that you are either ectopic or that I am miscarrying you. If I do, I want you to know how much I love you even though I've never met you. I'm so sad that our days could be numbered... it doesn't seem fair. I am trying to be optimistic, but today it's been very difficult. I wanted to meet you so badly. Stay strong, little one. I am still praying that one day I will meet you.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Pregnancy Update

Well, little one... you are causing Mommy a lot of pain! I always thought that pregnancy involved hunched over a toilet bowl puking for months on end. I am either 8 or 10 weeks pregnant, and I have felt none of that. In fact, I have no symptoms... except one: cramps. I feel like I'm 11 years old again, curled up in my bed, home from school because I couldn't go in due to the pain. Today, the pain comes and goes, it's painful for about 3 minutes and then BAM it stops. I find Tums really have become my best friend.

Monday is my first doctor's appointment. I find out if everything is ok, and how my little baby is coming along.

Ryan is super excited as well. He comes up to me, gives me my hourly hug and kiss, and then says hello to little baby. He is constantly thinking of names, and I LOVE watching how excited he gets when talking about Baby.

We're pretty sure Bauer is not going to like Baby coming into the world... he will no longer be my #1. But I think he'll love Baby just as much as we do. I can't wait for the 2 of them to meet!!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Dun dun dunnnn

Today is Sunday. On Thursday, Ryan and I found out we were pregnant. We are both over the moon with excitement!! We have no idea anything - when we're due, what it is, etc... but none of that matters. The fact that we created a human being together... and it is growing in my tummy... words cannot explain how I feel. I am already in love with this little person and it's the size of a pinhead.

I haven't been feeling good this week because of it. I have cramping so strong that it keeps me up every night. I think since Thursday I've slept a total of 6 hours altogether. However, I'm sure learning to enjoy my daytime naps! It's going to be a tough week not being able to nap while at work. I am somewhat worried about this cramping, and I am praying to God continuously throughout the day that nothing is wrong. My mother had 2 miscarriages before she had me, and it's like a little voice in the back of my head reminding me not to get too attached ... but this is proving to be more difficult than I thought!! I am already so in love.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Adventures in Geremialand

I decided to start a blog because of my interest in the Matson girls' blogs. I thoroughly enjoy reading them and feeling like I was a part of their lives; even if I don't see them very often. I've often wanted to have a blog... I haven't had one for about 5 years. My last blog caused problems while I was speaking my mind... it's difficult to remember feelings you could be hurting. I have learned a lot from that and will make sure nothing of that sort happens here, haha!

Life in Geremialand has been wonderful. Ryan and I been married for almost 2 years... and it has been by far the best 2 years of my life. I find that every single day I learn something new about my husband, and I fall more in love with him everyday. Today I learned that while cleaning, his voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I laugh as I write this. Apparently I get grouchy while cleaning, as if I get continually more and more angry at the dirt that has accumulated. There was mould on every window and door... caused by a humidifyer that was left on "high" throughout the winter which caused condensation to accumulate whenever the weather was colder than -5 (which was 90% of this winter so far!). I was absolutely disgusted that we were living in this filth for the last year and cleaning that much mould off of a frame... made Ryan's voice asking me to come inspect the new doors in our basement aggrivating.

Thankfully, all it takes is a strong hug from Ryan to rid all frustration. I hate that he does that!! A simple hug makes all anger dissipate into nothing. It's amazing how he can do that.

I am very lucky!

We are trying to finish our basement... stress grows with every passing day. So much money has to go into that damn basement. Baseboards, electical, plumbing, doors, frames, staining, furniture..... it seems like it never ends! Tensions grow and if it weren't for him, I think I'd have snapped by now!

Welcome to my blog. I'll be very honest and I'm excited for you to read it. I am so in love with my husband, and it'll be fun sharing this love to the world!