Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Girls Are Stupid

I have started a new blog almost every day since my last one, only to discard it before I post. I am not sure why... so much going on in my head! I am doing fine, and I want people to know that. But, at the same time, I am still so, so sad... and I think people are starting to give me the "ok, get over it now" attitude so admitting that I'm still really sad almost causes me more grief because of that.

I don't even think it's sadness... I think it's turned into full-fledged "this isn't fair", jealousy, anger, and a lot of feeling sorry for myself.

I just don't know if this is healthy??

I have been emailing back and for a friend, who never really was a "friend" before this whole incident. She was an aquaintance, someone I have known for years but have never hung out with. She suffered a loss as well, something much more tangible than mine, and seeing her strength through everything has really made me open my eyes and realize it's not the end of the world. She has become a rock for me, even though we never see each other. I am a firm believer God brings people in and out of your life when He sees fit, and He definitely did that with this girl I believe is my angel right now.

My favourite answer right now: "you're young! You can try again!" Umm... HELLO!!! It is absolutely THE worst answer anyone can give. Yeah, I know I'm young. And I am well aware I can try again - thanks for the heads up! But ... let's put aside the fact that I am scared shitless of trying again, and I am scared even more shittilessly that this could happen again! Those words only bring me a big fear-packed punch in the face.

On the bright side, I can work out again and have realized upon putting on my jeans that I really took advantage of the first 2.3 months of pregnancy. And, I also learned, that next time around (should it happen...) I am going to be MUCH more careful. I couldn't work out those first 9 weeks because of what would happen when I did, so now I have to deal with losing all of that weight. Before I got pregnant, I remember saying I couldn't wait to get pregnant so I could eat whatever I wanted! Now that I'm paying for that (even if it was only 9 weeks...) I realized my metabolism is so messed up and I hate the way my body is right now. So, summer project: LOSE WEIGHT.

Not to mention, last week Ryan and I were pumped we had no weddings to attend the next year. Today, I have 4! I am in 2 of them, 1 is in San Francisco, and 1 is in Nova Scotia. So... more fans cheering me from the stands to lose weight.

So officially I am going to (TRY! TRY! TRY!) to put all those horrible baby thoughts into something MUCH more constructive: LOSING WEIGHT. Get back to the body I had in Scotland. Ahh... I looked so good in Scotland. Of course, at that time, I thought I was a whale. Girls are stupid.

Monday, April 20, 2009

New Favourite Quote

An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for Earth."


Silver Lining

I thought I would write about how things have been going this past week. It was probably the toughest week of my life. I haven't forgotten how to smile or laugh, but I found myself feeling guilty at each giggle. Why am I laughing? My baby is gone, and I am back at square one. I never got to meet him, I never got to hold him. I feel jipped. Sometimes, I feel like this was some cruel joke God played on me. I feel like Job - God let the devil take everything away from him. I know the reasoning behind it, that God knew Job's faith and devotion to Him. Still... it's still a cruel game.

But I am seeing some silver lining, if you can call it that. I have never thought I could feel closer to Ryan. I thought, this was love, this is how it is. And it was great before this! We laughed all the time, we loved each other, we respected each other.

But this whole situation has brought up a whole new meaning to our relationship. I feel SO much closer to him, in a way I never knew was possible. I think catastrophic situations can do one of two things to a couple: bring them closer, or tear them apart. I am thankful that this situation, as horrible as it was, brought us so much closer. There is a new respect there, a new love. I don't love Ryan anymore like I used to. It's different now. It's more powerful.

We are trucking through this situation. We will try again for another child... I am terrified beyond belief. I know I can't do that again. I can't go through something that emotionally draining. I have cried every day for baby Matthew this past week; sometimes multiple times. Sometimes it's a cry of sadness, of yearning for him to be back inside of me. Sometimes it's anger, why did this happen? Sometimes it's frustration... that this isn't fair. It seems like everyone is pregnant or has a baby - some people don't even want them. And I want it more than anything in the world, yet I can't.

My faith is still there... I trust God. But I know that His will happens. And it's not always my will. So even though I trust him, I also trust that sometimes He does things in a way I won't like. So I have officially learned what it means to "fear God." Because I do... I am fearful that He will let this happen again.

Is that stupid?

*sigh* I don't know. All I know is, is that I can't live my life in fear. I can't not do something because I'm scared. Sure, I can not go to Afghanistan because I'm terrified of camel spiders (among other things....) but I can't stop living my life because something bad COULD happen. What kind of life would that be?

I repeat this to myself everyday: "One day at a time."
That, and "Breathe. Just Breathe."
And each day, each breath, and each smile, I'll get through this.

Monday, April 13, 2009


Well... something bad in the world must be going on because it seems that God needed you more than I do. He made you an angel on Saturday morning and you went up to help Him out on whatever challenge He faced. And I bet you did a great job. Or are doing a great job.

Still.... I miss you.

I was going to write about my experience losing you... but I really don't want to remember it. Instead, I want to remember that feeling I had when I found out I was pregnant with you. I was only 9 weeks (to the day!) pregnant with you when you passed away and it was the best 9 weeks of my life. You made me want to be a better person everyday. And everyday, I got closer and closer to meeting you and I couldn't wait! I wanted to dress you in blue, or pink, and show you off to the world. Christmas was going to be so great this year with you around.

But... sometimes God has other plans. I don't understand them, nor should I.

Your daddy and I were talking in the hospital after you passed away and I was feeling a little better. I needed to name you, even though I didn't know your sex or really anything about you. So... I named you Matthew. Matthew is such a powerful name. The meaning of the name Matthew is Gift Of God. And that's what you were: a gift from God. He had to take you back, but I still feel lucky enough to have gotten to know you for those 9 very short weeks. Also, one of my favourite verses in the bible is Matthew 28:20: “And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” I know He was with me on Saturday.

I know I will see you again. Jeremiah 1:5 says that God knows us while we are still in the womb - which, to me, means you had a soul and that God loved you. So... when I get to heaven, I want to meet you.

Until then, little Matthew, say hello to your great-grandpa for me. Please play with him - he has a lot of energy!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Due Date!

I found out today that you are going to come into this world on November 14th!!! Unfortunately, that is also the day your Auntie Meredith plans on getting married, but I think I have a fairly good excuse for missing the festivities. I'm disappointed I'll miss her special day, but... what better reason to miss it?

When I first found out about you, I had a blood test that said my hcG levels were at 65 - which, according to a few websites, is 3 weeks pregnant. So the one I had yesterday, I was at 17,360 - 8 weeks pregnant. So you are growing quite nicely! The doctor is being very cautious... this pregnancy has not been the easiest yet, and we want to make sure you're growing nicely.

I pray for you everyday. I hope you know throughout your life how wanted you were. Your daddy and I can't wait to meet you! We talk about it everyday, and I think about you all day everyday. I pray for you whenever I think of you - which is like a million times a day - and I'm not exaggerating! I pray that you are growing strong, healthy, and perfect. And I have faith that you will turn out that way! I can't wait to meet you!!

I need a countdown I think... 7 months to go!!! Whewf... it seems to take SOOO long! Thank goodness I'm not an elephant!!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Tough Hour

Well, little one... you caused me quite the scare today!! But so much good came from it.

Today at lunch, I went to the washroom and there was a lot of blood. Your daddy has since found an article stating that at 7 weeks a lot of women experience blood because the placenta matures, which I'd never heard before. But at the time, before learning that, I was in a battle between life and death it felt. I was fighting to keep you alive while something tried to take that away.

So after I saw the blood, I prayed... like hardcore prayer... mostly "you can't do this to me" prayers.... and it kinda hit me...

I was given a book from a friend that says God wants us to have babies - he loves children. So why am I letting things get to me? God wants this to happen! So I started praying that this is NOT going to happen and God has it under control.

Then the bleeding stopped and I haven't bled since!

Little one, I got your daddy to pray for you too today. And I believe his prayer really helped save you today.

Today was frustrating.... when this happened I couldn't get a hold of anyone - my bosses weren't here, my friend Jocelyn wasn't on msn, Ryan wasn't answering the phone... I was stuck with me and God. It's funny how He does that. For like 2 seconds I felt completely alone. Then it was like a lightbulb.

I also had an epiphany today during all of this. When I changed my prayer, that this baby WILL be fine and that God IS in control, I was thinking of my friend Jocelyn telling me to put positive thoughts into the atmosphere.

And I realized... I believe the same things she does, only thing is that I put positive thoughts towards God - not the universe. I don't believe that the universe does things, I believe God does. But when you ask him for a new job and then sit and do nothing, He won't just bring the job to you. You have to be active.

So being positive myself, is being active. and I become positive energy. And it in turn causes me to trust God. And in turn, causes all that positive energy to make things happen. It was a cool feeling. When I changed my prayer to "God, you are in control" I KNEW things would be ok.

So, little one.... YOU'RE OK!!! I love you so much!!! I can't wait to meet you in 33 weeks! Stay strong, keep fighting!