Silver Lining

I thought I would write about how things have been going this past week. It was probably the toughest week of my life. I haven't forgotten how to smile or laugh, but I found myself feeling guilty at each giggle. Why am I laughing? My baby is gone, and I am back at square one. I never got to meet him, I never got to hold him. I feel jipped. Sometimes, I feel like this was some cruel joke God played on me. I feel like Job - God let the devil take everything away from him. I know the reasoning behind it, that God knew Job's faith and devotion to Him. Still... it's still a cruel game.

But I am seeing some silver lining, if you can call it that. I have never thought I could feel closer to Ryan. I thought, this was love, this is how it is. And it was great before this! We laughed all the time, we loved each other, we respected each other.

But this whole situation has brought up a whole new meaning to our relationship. I feel SO much closer to him, in a way I never knew was possible. I think catastrophic situations can do one of two things to a couple: bring them closer, or tear them apart. I am thankful that this situation, as horrible as it was, brought us so much closer. There is a new respect there, a new love. I don't love Ryan anymore like I used to. It's different now. It's more powerful.

We are trucking through this situation. We will try again for another child... I am terrified beyond belief. I know I can't do that again. I can't go through something that emotionally draining. I have cried every day for baby Matthew this past week; sometimes multiple times. Sometimes it's a cry of sadness, of yearning for him to be back inside of me. Sometimes it's anger, why did this happen? Sometimes it's frustration... that this isn't fair. It seems like everyone is pregnant or has a baby - some people don't even want them. And I want it more than anything in the world, yet I can't.

My faith is still there... I trust God. But I know that His will happens. And it's not always my will. So even though I trust him, I also trust that sometimes He does things in a way I won't like. So I have officially learned what it means to "fear God." Because I do... I am fearful that He will let this happen again.

Is that stupid?

*sigh* I don't know. All I know is, is that I can't live my life in fear. I can't not do something because I'm scared. Sure, I can not go to Afghanistan because I'm terrified of camel spiders (among other things....) but I can't stop living my life because something bad COULD happen. What kind of life would that be?

I repeat this to myself everyday: "One day at a time."
That, and "Breathe. Just Breathe."
And each day, each breath, and each smile, I'll get through this.