Monday, March 29, 2010

A little terrified

I have been informed by my doctor that - under no circumstances - am I allowed to get an epidural when I go into labour. Thanks. Could have told me that about 4 months ago! I have a hole in the middle of my spinal cord and this "flap" (yes, that's the technical term) that stops the fluid in your spine from going into your brain is broken. Soooo my spinal fluid actually circles my brain a bit. Apparently this is NOT uncommon and NOT anything to worry about. However, in the incident that I get an epidural, it will actually numb not only the lower half of my body, but it could also numb my brain and ... well, she used words that scare me so all in all, no epidurals.

Sooooo, me: the person who whines when Ryan pinches her or cries for an hour when she stubs her toe or complains about ANY sort of pain, will actually have to endure labour with NO pain medication.

Thanks, God!!

I am freaking out only a little. I decided to contact a girl I grew up with in Northern Alberta, who actually is on her 4th child and has done her last 3 births at home and with a doula and she is going to coach me and give me all the necessary information I need. I am so relieved and I feel a LOT better since we decided to meet next week. I can't wait!


When I got engaged, I prayed everyday (or, at least when I remembered!) to God that He would give me a beautiful wedding day. No snow, no blizzard. I told Him that He made me wait a long time for my husband so I expect this to be my reward - a beautiful wedding day (and... a wonderful husband...). Well, the week before my wedding was cold, rainy, snowy, dreary. The day after my wedding it snowed. The day OF my wedding was +18C.

I am going to use the same tactic as my wedding day. God made me wait 2 years for a baby. He made me endure the loss of one child, and a year of heartache. So, my reward: an easy birth. None of this pushing for 2 hours crap. Nope, not for me. I am honestly going to *try* to BELIEVE for this!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Uh oh...

So my Saturday has consisted of me creating a baby registry. Why? Because there is a lot of things that I *want* (not necessarily need!) and I wanted to add up how much everything would cost. Now, mind you - we don't know what we're having yet so I picked 3 different crib themes: one for a boy, one for a girl, and one neutral. So reeeeally, the baby registry isn't a realistic price assumption.

Regardless, it's going to be ridiculous!

I have finally convinced Ryan to make our one spare room the baby room so that I can keep my office in tact. And by "convinced Ryan," I clearly made him think it was completely HIS idea and therefore I got what I've been wanting from the beginning. 3 years of marriage has taught me well!!

We need basics:
- Crib (but what colour????)
- Dresser (but what colour????)
- Crib set/blankets (again, what colour????)
- A stroller/car seat
- High chair
- swings and toys and vibrating thingies and burping cloths, and... and... and... and....

It goes on for days!!

I'm a little overwhelmed. Thankfully, we have about 5 months to worry about this all and to get things purchased. April 23rd is my gender ultrasound so I'll be able to narrow down colours.

I can't wait to get rid of the king bed in the spare room and start decorating!!!!!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

New Favourite Song (again...)

Here's the better version...

Well I don't drive through the night these days
It's just not a chance I'm willing to take
And I don't spend my money foolishly
Cause there's important things that you're gonna need
You already got a hold on me

And I haven't even heard you cry
I haven't even looked into your eyes
I haven't held you one time but you've changed my life
And I don't even know your name
But I know I'll never be the same
Oh I can't wait to show you you can fly
And I haven't even heard you cry

You might look like your mom, you might look like me
I don't really care as long as you're healthy
And I'll make mistakes there's no doubt
But loves one thing you won't live without
Cause you own a place in my heart now

And I haven't even heard you cry
I haven't even looked into your eyes
I haven't held you one time but you've changed my life
And I don't even know your name
But I know I'll never be the same
Oh I can't wait to show you you can fly
And I haven't even heard you cry

Well I don't even know your name
But I know I'll never be the same
Oh I can't wait to show you you can fly
I'm thinking about first steps and bike rides
And I haven't even heard you cry

Monday, March 22, 2010

Ultrasound Update!

So I got my results today from the Nucal Translucency test last week - everything looks perfect! My doctor even checked the heart again and it's 140, which is right on track. Even though it's lower than it was last time, that is completely normal. If I checked it again tomorrow it could be at 165 so all in all we're good to go!

Gender 4-D ultrasound date is scheduled for April 23rd at 12:40pm - so expect photos and an announcement as to what the baby is!! I can't wait!!!

I am so relieved to know everything is going so well. YAY!!!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Our 3rd Anniversary Weekend

Ok so I am writing this on here because Ryan never reads it and he made me PROMISE not to mention this on Facebook... but he never said anything about my blog soo..... muahahahaha!!

This weekend was our weekend getaway to Banff, courtesy of my parents (who got us a hotel room and couples massage) and Ryan's parents (who paid for our meals)! We are extremely fortunate to have parents so generous and I know we'd never have had a holiday like this if it weren't for them.

So let's start from the beginning....

On Thursday, I got a horrible case of morning sickness. I think I even mentioned that it lasted all day and by 4am on Friday I was up throwing up and was extremely sick the entire day. I even had to get my dad to go buy me gatorade because I was afraid I was getting dehydrated. So I finally broke down and made it to Extra Foods on Friday to buy some more Diclectin because, seriously, it's impossible to survive when you're THAT sick.

(How people go through morning sickness like this while having a small child running around is beyond me. I am going to be praying like crazy the "next time" for less severe morning sickness because I might actually start pulling out my hair otherwise!)

Aaanyways, so I started Diclectin at about 4pm on Friday with a mild overdose to make it through the night. By Saturday I was groggy and foggy-headed. If you've ever had Gravol and had to stay awake, you'd know what I mean. So at about 10am Ryan and I headed on the road for Banff, making a quick stop at CrossIron Mills mall in Calgary to walk around and check things out (lo and behold, my darling "cheap" husband spent more money than I did! Woo!).

When we finally made it to Banff, we checked into our beautiful hotel room (complete with heated tiled floors, steam shower - which I wasn't allowed to use, fireplace, and gorgeous view). We had massages booked for 3:30, so we made our way into town and found the spa.

DISCLAIMER: When I booked the massage, the woman asked me "would you prefer male masseuses or female?" Naturally, I said female. End disclaimer.

So we are sitting in the waiting room and then 2 men come out and ask us if we're Denise and Ryan. I would have loved to have seen our faces. I'm fairly certain our mouths were on the ground as we stared at these 2 men. The older man, my masseuse, has a gray mustache that was waxed on the tips as an elegant feature. He was - give or take - 65. Ryan's masseuse was a younger man, probably early 30s, overweight, and looked just about as excited as we did with this plan.

1 hour later, Ryan and I left the massage parlour and made our way back to our hotel for a prompt shower to wash off the "man rubbing", as my husband so eloquently puts it.

Massages by dudes. Seriously??

But it made for a hilarious story! We then went for supper at Giorgio's (Italian) and although I'm sure it was very good, by then I was getting quite nauseous again that all I wanted to do was go back to the hotel, put on my sweat pants and get into bed. Which is precisely what we did. We couldn't go walk around, we couldn't go to a pub, we couldn't even leave the vehicle at the hotel and walk to the restaurant! I felt so bad for poor Ryan but he's a trooper and very understanding.

I for one can not WAIT for this damn morning sickness to be over!!!!!

All in all it was a very nice, relaxing weekend. It was nice to sleep in a bed without Bauer hogging 2/3 of the bed (seriously, he's a bed hog!) and it was even nicer not being woken up at 5am by Bauer giving himself a bath. I slept through the entire night except for 1 quick pee break (which is a new record for the last 3 months!).

I am SO glad we went away, but I hope we can do it again before the baby comes when we can actually DO things and enjoy where we are rather than me searching for the nearest toilet. Hopefully that comes sooner than later!!!

Thank you again Mom and Dad, Butch & Diana for a wonderful weekend away. We definitely needed it and we are both SO grateful!! Well... Ryan is less grateful since he had to get "rubbed down by a dude."

Friday, March 19, 2010

Week 13

Depending on what website you check out, I'm either already a week into my 2nd trimester, or I'm starting my 2nd trimester today. Either way... I'm in my 2nd trimester!!! How exciting!!

Nothing really new to report...... pants are fitting quite snug, my American Eagle hoodies make me look about 6 months pregnant (seriously... what's up with that?!), we've told everyone and their dog (hmm... I should probably tell the world of Facebook.... naaahh), and we've begun trying to knock Bauer down a peg in his place in this family hahaha. The poor guy's nose is going to be SO out of joint when this baby comes! Not my #1?! What's he going to do!??!?! So I've started working diligently in making him realize he's a dog, and not my baby. He's not too impressed as of yet...He's turned into a pouty, whiny baby haha. But it's super cute!

We've decided on a baby room (yay!), and we're agreeing on more names which will remain secret until baby comes. I have an apt on Monday to find out the results of the Nuchal Translucency test and then I'll be able to book my 18-week ultrasound and find out what this baby is! At this point, we have no idea.

Ryan has taken to calling the baby "Bruno." So there is lots of "Hi, Bruno!"'s going on. It's pretty adorable how much he refers to the baby as Bruno. FYI... that will NOT be the baby's name if it's a boy!!! But it sure beats referring to the baby as "it"!

I'm still sicker than a dog... I felt better for a few days there and then yesterday I don't know what happened but all hell broke loose! And today I've been up since 4am throwing up so I'm just feeling awesome! They say the sicker you are, the healthier the baby... this baby is gonna be HEALTHY!!!!!!! We're going to Banff tomorrow for the weekend for our anniversary (thank you Mom and Dad!) and I'm nervous because it will NOT be fun going for a nice dinner and spending it in the bathroom!! Augh, the thought of that makes me cringe!

But all in all, everything else is going well! I can't wait to start buying things, but we're going to wait until June. JUNE! That's gonna take FOREVER to get here!!!!

13 weeks down... 27 to go!!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

3rd Anniversary!

Wow, 3 years together. I remember our wedding day so vividly. Which is good, considering it was only 3 years ago. The day before it snowed, and the day after it snowed. But the day of was +18C. I had prayed almost everyday since the day we got engaged (on October 14th!) that our wedding day would be beautiful weather-wise so that everyone from Vauxhall could make it. +18C fit the bill perfectly.

I remember taking a gravol the night before so I could sleep through the night, I remember waking up early and sneaking out to do some last minute errands. I remember coming back for breakfast with most of my bridesmaids who were staying at my parents place. I remember the morning spent at Bangles getting all of our hair done. I remember my cousin doing my makeup. I remember my mom doing up the back of my dress. I remember getting to the church and realizing I forgot our rings in my desk downstairs, haha. I remember everything at the church (I couldn't stop crying! HAPPY tears, though!). I remember being SO excited when Pastor Rob pronounced us "husband and wife." Finally, I thought! Photos, the reception, friends, family. I remember it all. I also remember almost being killed by our photographer when I almost fell off the cliff!

But if you had told me that 3 years after our wedding that I'd love Ryan even more than I did that day, I wouldn't have believed you. Because I thought that that WAS true love. Really, I had no idea what true love was.

Ryan and I have gone through a lot the past 3 years. Moving, building a house, getting a dog, trying to conceive, having a miscarriage, dealing with that for a year, and now taking every day by every day in hopes that this year our 2-person-and-1-dog family will finally become 1 person bigger.

Ryan, I can't wait for what 2010 has in store for us. The past 3 years have been the best 3 years of my life, and marriage to you is even better than I could have ever imagined marriage could be. I love you more today than I did yesterday, the day before, and every day in the last 3 years. And I'll love you even more tomorrow. I am so grateful you are beside me in life, and I can't wait to see what amazing things life has in store for us in the future. I love you!!!


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I did it!!!

No pills today! No sickness today!

Had 2 waves of nausea but all in all.... I survived!! WOOO!!

Also got my hair did today. Back to blonde. No more needing to dye my hair every 3 weeks, no more 2" blonde roots and washed-out dark brown hair. Yup, I'm back to normal! Yay!!!

*Panic Attack*

I am out of pills!! No more Diclectin!!
What to do???

Here are my options:

A) See if I can survive without them. Maybe the morning sickness is gone??
B) Take No Frills down and hold them ransom until they give me more

I am siding with B right now............

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Weird Names....

So we're on the hunt for the perfect baby name. We have list after list of names, but this so far is my favourite.


The meaning of the name Abcde is First 5 Letters Of The Alphabet
The origin of the name Abcde is American
Notes: Pronounced "AB-si-dee"


Date Night!!

Wow... Ryan and I realized today that since we started dating, we have seen a total of 4 movies in the theatre. And they are (in order):

1) King Kong (the movie Ryan took me on our first "real" date!)
2) Transformers
3) Transformers 2
4) Avatar (today)

Today, Ryan thought we should go for a date! We went and saw Avatar (not in 3-D). It was even more than I expected and I was just blown away. I only had to leave once to pee! WOO!!!! We got a really crappy bag of popcorn (seriously, for $7.50 a bag, you'd think we'd get at least good popcorn - not the bottom-of-the-barrel-crap!), and the place was full and the kid in front of me kept rocking her stupid chair... but none of it mattered when they were the Avatars on Pandora. Seriously, the scenery was breathtaking.

Then, Ryan took me for supper! A&W, bitches! My veggie burger was delicious, and it's been about an hour since I've eaten it and I am working fiercely on keeping it down. Their veggie burgers are so delicious, I don't want it coming back up. I'm working hard. Deep breath in, deep breath out.

So that's our Saturday!! Tomorrow: laundry and groceries. What a life we lead!!

Friday, March 12, 2010

12 Weeks

Today was our 12-week ultrasound, which wasn't as exciting as it was going to be since we got to see our little bean on Wednesday, but it was still exciting! We got to see him/her dance and jump and we got to hear the heartbeat! What a sound! I am so in love with this little bean I can barely stand it! I want to meet you! Grow quicker!!

The test today was a Nuchal Translucency test. It tests if there's extra chromosomes (i.e., Down Syndrome) or other mental retardations. They wouldn't tell us at the apt so we'll find out most likely on the 22nd of March when it's my next apt. I'll be sure to fill you all in!

Yesterday was the sickest I've ever been, and today I'm back to full doses of Diclectin so I've been feeling MUCH better. I actually made it to/back from Calgary without throwing up! YAY ME! But I know it's still there because I am still getting waves of nausea, so hopefully it all clears up soon. A good friend just told me sometimes it gets worse before it gets better - I'm hoping she's right!!!

So, since it's 12 weeks today, that means I only have 28 weeks to go!! SO MUCH TO DO!!!! I can't wait to start!!!!

PS. We've told almost EVERYONE now!  YAY!!!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ok, NOW I'm complaining

I've said since the beginning that I will not complain about morning sickness. But seriously. This is ridiculous. Since 4:50am I have been living in the washroom. I can't stop throwing up!!

Hey, Baby Bean... what are you doing to me? Getting back at me for taking a peek at you yesterday? Seriously? You're going to get a spanking when I see you!


Seriously though.... this is ridiculous. I guess Diclectin is back in the game.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Scary Morning

We had a bit of a scare this morning. When I went to the washroom at 6:25am, I had some discoloured spotting. Now, when you've gone through a miscarriage like I have, ANY amount of spotting freaks the hell out of you! So, right at 9am I called the doctor, and they got me in for an ultrasound today at 12:50pm.

Funny story: they tell you to drink 4 glasses of water 1 hour prior to getting there. What they don't tell you is to drink 4 glasses throughout the hour so that your bladder is full, but you're not dying. Well. That would have been nice to know! So I get there and I had to pee soooooo bad! The technician started the test then told me promptly to go empty out at least 1/2 of my bladder.


Anyways, everything looks great! I am soooo relieved!! We got to see its hands and feet move, and it kicked a bit and did a little jig for us! We got to see the heart beat (no sound)! We are just sooo happy! I have another big apt on Friday which will tell us more, but until then... everything looks great!!!! YAY!!!

CTR: 4.9 cm
HR: 154 bpm

Can't wait to meet you in 6 months, little one!! We're almost at the 2nd trimester... keep holding on tight!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The Last 12 Weeks...

Well... the last 12 weeks have been nuts. I have gained an obscene amount of weight (thanks to nausea... it's funny how it goes away when you eat your face off until you hit 11 weeks and then it's the exact opposite - eating = throwing up), grow 2 cup sizes, freak out over every little thing, stop being able to go #2, pee a billion times a day, be exhausted yet not able to sleep through the night, have crazy ass dreams, break out, get horrible morning sickness that lasts all day...... and fall madly in love with a person you've never even met before. I can't wait until I get to meet you!!

Step 1: Find out your pregnant. Or, in my case, be really, really, REALLY sure.

Step 2: Get an early pregnancy test by doctor to make sure everything is going better than the last time.

Step 3: Go for your 12-week ultrasound and find out...

I started to buy stuff....

Uh oh... this is gonna be a veeerrryyyy expensive next 6 months!! I've started already... it's a sickness, really. But... I am just soooo excited!!!

The closet is beginning to fill up... need some shelves, I believe!

Tiny person clothes:


Monday, March 8, 2010

Week 11

So on Saturday, I went shopping with my mother in law at Thyme Maternity. Wow... what a moment in the twilight zone! I can't fit into most of my clothes now (probably more because in the first 10 weeks I ate everything in sight and only now am I the opposite!), so I had to get some stuff. Anyways, while we were there, I realized I forgot my anti-nausea meds at the farm so I couldn't take them! I ended up still feeling awesome, even in the evening! AND I didn't end up taking any meds on Sunday AT ALL!! I felt great all day!!

So, of course, that made me feel 2 ways:

1) SUPER pumped that the nausea has gone away!!!
2) Terrified that something bad had happened, which is why I wasn't nauseous anymore.

Anyways, so I was freaking out but excited at the same time. I told Ryan I was SO happy not to have to take the meds anymore (I HATE that I have to take these drugs!).

But... last night, after a big bowl of popcorn....... all hell broke loose.

I am now back on the pills. *sigh*


Thursday, March 4, 2010

New Favourite Song

Well I don't drive through the night these days
It's just not a chance I'm willing to take
And I don't spend my money foolishly
Cause there's important things that you're gonna need
You already got a hold on me

And I haven't even heard you cry
I haven't even looked into your eyes
I haven't held you one time but you've changed my life
And I don't even know your name
But I know I'll never be the same
Oh I can't wait to show you you can fly
And I haven't even heard you cry

You might look like your mom, you might look like me
I don't really care as long as you're healthy
And I'll make mistakes there's no doubt
But loves one thing you won't live without
Cause you own a place in my heart now

And I haven't even heard you cry
I haven't even looked into your eyes
I haven't held you one time but you've changed my life
And I don't even know your name
But I know I'll never be the same
Oh I can't wait to show you you can fly
And I haven't even heard you cry

Well I don't even know your name
But I know I'll never be the same
Oh I can't wait to show you you can fly
I'm thinking about first steps and bike rides
And I haven't even heard you cry

Monday, March 1, 2010


I've been thinking a lot today. If I said that to my friend Aleesha, she'd ask me if I hurt myself. Har har, very funny. I've been thinking about God lately, and how I feel about Him... but before I begin, disclaimer: the baby is fine, I am fine. I am just writing.


I've never questioned God's existence since I became a Christian when I was in High School. I always knew He was there. Through everything I have gone through since becoming a Christian, even when I was angry with Him, I still knew He was there. That God was standing there, next to me, helping me along. When I got my heart broken by a guy... God was there. When I lost all of my friends... God was there. When I met Ryan and had to make the decision if I wanted to see where it would go, or break up with him... God was there. He was next to me through everything, and even when it felt like He was miles away, I always felt He was standing there next to me, holding my arm as He helped me through life's biggest decisions.

This past year, I can honestly say was the first time that I ever actually questioned God's existence. When I miscarried last year, the only thought that went through my head over and over and over again was.... how can a God, who is supposed to love us SO much, allow something like this to happen? How can He watch me go through this?

I have a very strict belief when it comes to God, but it goes against everything that is in the bible. My belief: God doesn't allow bad things to happen, He just takes bad situations, and brings out the good in them. I.e., God didn't allow the big earthquake in Haiti to happen, but God is bringing Love and compassion from that horrible situation.

But when it's something like a miscarriage... or losing a child shortly after birth, or having a child born with cancer... this is where my faith wavers. The bible specifically states that God knit us in the womb, that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, that we are perfect images of what God wants us to be. That our whole lives are pre-determined and He knows everything we will think, do, and learn.

...... which makes me wonder.... why does God "knit" child molesters, rapists, murderers, animal abusers? If God knows what each person will do... why create them? Why create these monsters? Why does He create imperfect beings? Why did I have to go through a miscarriage? What is the good that came out of that? I have tried to see what good came from that situation, but to this day, I have found none.

I have not yet prayed for this baby growing in my womb. What kind of Christian am I? All I keep thinking is... "I prayed for my last baby, but he died. I prayed every day that he would be strong and healthy... but he wasn't." So... why pray for this baby? Regardless of what I do or want, things are going to go the way they are meant to. I will either:

A) have a perfectly healthy, beautiful baby in 7 months; or,
B) lose this baby too.

This baby is healthy, and I will give birth to it sometime at the end of September. But I am still faced with a question, that is gnawing at the back of my neck.......

"Does God have anything to do with that??"